Nothing new.

That's my answer lately, to a lot of life things.

How do we get that 'new' feeling again? There seems to be a thirst out there for this feeling, feeling new, feeling young, feeling the same thing we felt when things were new. The thoughts that may spring to your mind may be of first loves, faith-altering moments, new babies...that sort of thing. I am not THAT romantic. God's been really good to me that way. I have been dealt an usually uncommon amount of realism and contentment. I have been told, in fact, that I must not have enough estrogen.

I think it is because God has blessed me with a keen sense that when I experience monetary pain I had better learn a lesson from it because I doubt that He would ever put us through that crap without having a greater purpose. I TRUST that and have been well prepared for tougher grief because of it. I hope more than ANYTHING that I'll always see the beauty in the rain.

Here's my monetery examples:

-I just got a new windshield. It wasn't THAT bad, but bad enough that I thought maybe if another rock hit it that the whole thing would land on our laps mid-trip. So we got a new one...and were promptly blessed with two beautifully placed cracks one vertical across the whole and a horizontal one breaking out into a sprint daily.

-I just got a new massage table for the course I have FINALLY decided to take. The cat climbed on it sometime last night (knows better than to try this when we are looking) and scratched the brand new smooth, lovely vinyl on top! ARG!

So, then, I posted my frustration over these issues on facebook.

Minutes later, an old, dear friend came on to let me know how much she misses me and our bible studies with another few old friends.

Lesson learned.

Quit mourning things that you can't take with you. Mourn the real things. The friends you've developed, the ones that inspired you to new facets of your faith. Friends that miss you. Friends that you may never see again.

AND...be satisfied.

We can't always expect new to stay new. Be satisfied with what you have.

This is actually the 'BIGGER' lesson I need to digest. I have not been able to build the same kind of friendships I had in High Level and in Manitoba. I have been longing for NEW ones to replace the ones I've lost.

I don't know how to fully grasp the parallel for this one. Somehow God's been telling I can't have new things right now.

Is that because He wants me to just be content with what I've got right here at home. My husband, my kids? Should I be trying harder to stay in touch with the old friends I've left behind?

My attraction to parallels falls short, all the time. I love to try though. To always seek the mystery of what God is doing in my life. Seek and you shall find He promised.

Always something new.

For Polly, who said I should blog:

It is very hard to be reprimanded and torn down a notch from someone who has no idea what your intentions were in the first place...particularly when you thought that what you were doing was a good thing.

I think I am safe to say that, generally speaking, I and most other people don't wake up in the morning asking themselves who we can hurt today. Yet, even with the best of intentions, sometimes people get hurt. I have had that happen to me. I have done it to others. Recently.

I think beauty can rise from these situations though, as in all bad situations. I think that beauty can come in the reaction to the pain.

We give people too much responsibility. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, on the face of the planet can rise to the expectations others place on them. I don't believe we were ever supposed to place people on a pedestal like that. If you don't place expectations like that on others they won't let you down. Only God deserves that kind of pedestal.

I'd hate for you to think though that I don't have any hope that people will do the right thing though. I do HOPE for that. I hope that for all my relationships...I just don't 'EXPECT' it.

Clarifying this in my life has gifted me with more reactions of gratitude for times when they succeed AND more reactions of grace when they don't because I didn't expect it of them in the first place. I can just hope for better things.

Now, when the tables are turned and I didn't live up to the unstated expectations someone else had placed on me I HOPE that they can take me down from that pedestal and only hope that I don't hurt them again.

In the meantime, I can only hope they will gift me with some grace and understanding. Sadly I don't expect they will. For that, I am sorry.

BUT:

It is not always healthy to change just because you have let someone down. I have done that too often in my life...changed who I was at my core because someone else wasn't happy with something I said or did. I lost track of who I was. I've learned that it's not always beneficial to rise to the expectations others place on you unless, of course you have sinned against them. They might not be able to see what path YOU are on, what purpose God is accomplishing through your life. Their current view of things might only involve themselves.

Live with integrity. Extend grace to ALL.

rogue sunflower

Warning: A long and boring read...just had to get it out of my head and work it out in writing.

I love this time of year, seeing the field abuzz with the action of machinery, harvesting crops of abundance after the greens have turned to shades of gold and yellow. Among others, the sunflowers stay out longer than the rest.
I drive past a field of sunflowers every day and observe their turning, and you know me...every day I tend to think through the parallels of life in the nature I observe.
Every summer it is beautiful to watch the fields of sunflowers, once they have their flower heads, follow the sun. Row upon even row (extremely even since the arrival of GPS in the farming world) all rising and facing east in the morning and slowly turning west throughout the day. True worship of the sun. Like a big church. Together with proper moisture and I'm sure some fertilizer that worship produces growth of abundance of seed in each flower head. So efficient.

But what then...?

The contrast between a sunflowers natural existence and the impressive sown rows upon rows has inspired a lot of thought in me.
These farmed sunflowers need desperate help at this stage. They are finishing their journey and are not even able to turn their heads to the sun any longer...their heads are too full. They have done their job well, rising, praising and growing like clock-work. Now, it is necessary for them to be harvested drastically. With big machines.
If they were to continue on their natural path they would eventually drop their seeds where they stand. What would this look like...? I imagine a big old mess for the farmer. Too many seeds in one place, they could never properly germinate the next year like this either.
In nature, their population is much more dispersed, their natural seed harvest is conducive to efficient volunteer germination the following spring. If proper soil conditions were available, natural sunflowers could fill a field too and on their own, with proper spacing to continue the trend for years to come, I am sure, without any help from a farmer. They might not make the farmer as much money...and the seeds might not have amount of calories and fat as their commercial siblings but they would probably be self sustaining and beautifully random and individually unique.
I have noticed that some of the farmers' sunflowers seeds do escape into the fringes. When the farmer grows potatoes in the same field next year you MAY see the stark contrast of a few lonely sunflowers growing in the corners because they survived from the year before.
I have read that farmers worry about these rouge sunflowers at this stage because given a year or so in the fringe they sometimes start to build up a resistance to different chemicals and then if sunflowers are planted in that field again they may blend with these rogues and also become resistant. Good, genetically altered seed trying to be more 'natural'...not a good thing if you want to make money and get fat off your crop.

OH...parallels that trap me. They all fall short eventually but I am drawn to them.

My thoughts were directed into a deeper understanding of what God wants for his people and his church.

I am currently reading a book called 'Pagan Christianity' (by Frank Viola and George Barna) that, for the first time, offers me hope that I am not the only one that thinks something is not right with the current way we are doing things. I know I eventually need to temper my thoughts and continue on with their next book 'Reimagining Church' but for now...I'm a rogue.

Not that people spend a lot of time thinking about us (well, other than you mom!) but I wonder sometimes if people wonder if Tim and I are change junkies.
If you take the time to ask us for the WHOLE big story you will have to admit that it ISN'T us who chooses the change. Change FINDS us.
We are in the second week of school and Tim just found out yesterday that he has lost his job in our school. He is being transferred (fortunately) to another school in the division. I'll still be working there, but he'll be elsewhere. Crazy hey?
I feel like I've lost track of what lesson God is trying to teach us. I typically and usually try to equate life lessons to something in nature. Drawing a parallel between something natural and the 'unnatural' feeling situation I am in seems to give me comfort. It makes it seem more possible that God meant it that way and that it is not just a random 'happening'.
Lately, I've been drawn to a possible parallel of our lives to the mysterious moving rocks that baffle observers in Death Valley, Arizona (in the Racetrack Playa). (You'll have to google pictures yourself, I am too scared to breach blogger rules by posting a picture...I don't want to possibly have this blog sent to oblivion like my last one!)
I've been enjoying the comedy and complexity of this phenomenon.
I could list all the amusing parallels I've found but you go ahead and have fun with that yourself. They are pretty self explanatory, and besides it will give you something to do right now. Have fun!

I am NOT one to get attached to animals. Really. I never have been. My mom will tell you I was a doll playing, friend loving regular little girl when I was young and yet I never developed a love for animals like some of my other friends. I was always allergic to cats and my sister made me fear dogs (she may not even know this story and will be surprised by the comment).
So...it came to surprise me how much I have grown attached to our little dog Benny.
Benny was 9 when he came to live with us. He had not been around people much because his life started out in a whirlwind of celebrity. He was born as a registered Miniature Pinscher (his little tattoo proved it) and right away, we understand, he was groomed for doing shows. He then moved on to breeding and was in demand for much of his life.
He came to us shortly after his 'magic' wore off. In fact, they were going to put him down because he was not of 'use' anymore. A friend of ours ran a rescue operation for dogs such as this and we decided to babysit him one weekend to see if he was friendly with children.
He never left.
Until yesterday.
Benny developed a terribly aggressive cyst on his head that ruptured within a week. He was in a little bit of pain. His heart rate was erratic and so was his breathing a bit. We knew we wouldn't be able to financially do what it took to bring him back to health in his already 11th year of life.
I was surprised that I cried, yet glad that I did. Glad to know that he left his little paw print of love on our hearts so much. Glad that he won't be easily forgotten.
Bye Bye Benny.

you can't go back

Have you ever heard the expression 'you can't go back' in regards to moving back to a place you've lived before. I am starting to understand the truth in this. I don't know if it is because people assume you are picking up where you left off the last time and too much has changed or what...but it is very difficult. A lot HAS changed and we weren't here for the change, we were busy trying to settle in somewhere else.
No one's fault. It is what it is.
I am so thankful that the place where I feel most 'at home' is just right beside my man. No matter where we are.
I don't think we will ever be done moving. Maybe we are moving junkies. Gypsies of a certain kind. OH...don't worry, we are staying put right now, mostly for our kids. We have noticed though, that we always WANT to move.
We already have plans to hit the open road with a nice hybrid camper as soon as the kids are out of school. Sell all our earthly belonging...(in other words donate all our stuff to the sally-ann) and just see the sights and visit old friends we've left in our wake.
I used to think this was a selfish endeavor without any higher purpose or calling.
I am now convinced that your higher calling comes no matter where you are and where you choose to go and be. I think that is the lesson I've learned from all our moves. It shouldn't surprise me that since we asked God to take our lives and use us as He sees fit that He actually would do it, no matter where we are.
Some decisions He leaves up to us and we just need to make them, instead of wondering around looking for an arrow in the sky. Enjoy life. Be where you want to be, do what you want to do. Oh, I can hear my ancestors rolling over in their graves with that last sentence. We would choose to go to Sodom and Gomorrah if we weren't careful, they would say.
Well...I am sure...that....
'Those of us who are mature, should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.' Philippians 3:15
He will guide you, through your choices, through your desires. He will use you. You will know.
I trust this. It's not a super spiritual revelation. It a surrendering. A listening. A knowing. A confidence. A faith.
It is true.

It has been just like I said. Easy going. I am actually getting a tad bored already and it has only been a week.
This weekend was very nice though. Mom came for a visit. We went to see the fireworks on Canada Day. I got a new camera! Old friends from Manitoba popped by for supper on their way through to BC. We also went out to Olferts for a nice evening visit. All in all it was a really nice weekend.
Off to bake banana bread.